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I used to have this theory about pain. I thought that pain was a clue to grace. I thought that one of the greatest gifts God ever gave us was the ability to not remember pain. We remember that something hurt on our bodies, but not the actual physical sensation of pain. I can tell you that when I broke my back years ago that the pain was beyond comprehension, and I know it was because I couldn't speak or understand anyone for awhile afterward. But I cannot for the life of me get you to understand the way it felt when I had to walk after falling to a waiting vehicle, and the way my vertebrae were pressed together, rubbing and rubbing against each other like lovers after too much to drink. Each step I took made my breath come in sharp measure like a pregnant woman giving birth. I could feel the way bone met bone with each step and the blood from inside pouring out down my legs. But you will never feel that and I will never feel it again.

I believe there is grace in that pain. I would call it mercy but I did nothing to earn that injury or that level of pain. I did nothing to earn God's grace in the moment, but today I feel that grace in not remembering those steps in my physical being.

However, what do you do when you have constant pain and you don't know when or how it will go away? What do you do or what do you believe when the same pain returns day after day? Am I supposed to remember God's grace for all the other times? Do I pray and wait for healing? Do I believe that I do deserve this pain? If so then my plea is for God's mercy. Do I deserve it? Is there a vindictive God who is punishing me for something? What do I learn from this pain, from this time of not walking properly and without pain? Is there a God in pain?

I realise that there are people in the world who are worse off than me, but I am not them. I am me. What purpose and to what end am I suffering? And why can't I have the same passion in this pain that I do in love? It feels just as deep. It keeps me awake like new love; it makes me weak like a new love's voice. I listen to songs differently now. I listen to them like someone who’s learned something somewhere at sometime.

I think the exact opposite of self pity is action. Not reaction, action. So I don't sit here and wonder about all these things that have happened to me, and why me, I wonder what to do next? What do I learn from this? How do I make what's happened, when I find out what's happened to me, how do I make it work for me? How do I meet the new people to come into my life and show them grace, or mercy, or compassion?

I know that pain isn't remembered in our physical being, but I hope that I never forget how to share someone else's own pain. I hope I can describe the grace shown to me.

It looks a lot like love.