I was thinking about this time when I was allowed to go home and visit my mother and sister one weekend. I was 11 and it was the fall season in Alaska; a Saturday afternoon and I was quickly becoming bored without all my friends at the group home. My mother had been invited to a Tupperware party that she insisted my sister and I attend as well.
So there we were. Me in my best jeans and my little sister in a yellow dress, my mother in a skirt and blouse and panty hose and short black pumps. She'd never learned to drive so we took cabs or the bus everywhere. On this occasion we took a cab to the host's house. A Checker Cab. I sat in the back on the passenger side and watched people drive and wondered if they were on their way to the same Tupperware party. I'd recently discovered that I was extremely talented at crossing my eyes so everytime we came to a stop I'd give the neighboring car my finest cross eyed stare and try to hold it for as long as I could.
When we got to the party I tried with my mind to get the cabby to stop a block down but my mom and sister weren't having it. We got out right outside the front door. I featheredd my hair back then so it wasn't long enough to let it fall in front of my face with embarassment.
We walked in and I saw that my sister and I were the only kids there and all they had to eat was tiny sandwiches with no crust and tiny vegetables and punch. So we sat in the corner, my sister with her legs crossed up inside her yellow dress and me in my bell bottom jeans and pink striped sweater trying to eat sandwiches that scared us.
My mother had decided that she would sit on the floor. Everyone else at the party was sitting in chairs and on couches, but my mother acted like she belonged on the floor right by the corner of the coffee table. She was as quiet as we were. I'd never seen so many old women in one place, and all talking at one time, in my life. It bothered me that my mother wasn't speaking to anyone except me and my little sister. My sister answered her questions dutifully while I stared out the window to my right. I smiled a little because this lady's window was just as dirty as my mom's at her trailer. And I bet she never made a fried bologna sandwich like my mom did.
I looked at my mother differently for a minute. She seemed better than all these women who didn't wait for an answer to their loud, squawking questions. She would ask a question and not say anything or look away while you answered it. She just let you answer it.
Then she took her shoes off.
My sister had her hand halfway to her mouth with a baby carrot and I was playing with my feathered hair. We both froze. I prayed hard and fast that no one would notice what had just happened.
For some reason I started thinking about the time she'd abandoned me in Oregon City when I was seven. She took me out of school for a special day and decided we'd go to Oregon City so I could see where I was born. She bought me my own wax bag of salt water taffy and a book. I was seven at the time and thought I was the best behaving girl in the entire history of the world. We stood at the bus stop to go home and she said "Wait right here, I'll be back." I watched the doors close and her face as the bus pulled away. Her eyes were hard but her face was soft. I waited. And waited.
Now here I was 4 years later, in a group home, on a home visit to the same mom I waited for back then and she had taken her shoes off.
It started with the lady sitting next to my sister. She looked at my mother on the floor in her stocking feet and smiled tightly. She looked at me and then my sister. I looked away hoping no one had noticed I'd walked in with her. All of a sudden there was silence in the room. And a smell like nothing any of them had ever smelled. I could tell by the look on their faces. My sister had smelled it before.
I had smelled it before.
I thought about that day she got on the bus and I watched it turn the corner. I turned my head the opposite way, expecting it to come back around the corner and deposit her. While this offensive, unforgiving smell permeated the room and got in between the conversations of the women, I thought about how I'd been seven years old and left at that corner with no recollection of how I got home.
I was ashamed, embarassed and had the deepest feeling of compassion for my mom at that moment. I still don't know why she left my that day or the days after that day. But she sat on the floor of that fancy home, with her purse sitting next to her, her stockinged feet tucked to the side, with a look that seemed familiar to me but couldn't recall its origins.
She put her shoes back on quietly, she didn't buy any Tupperware, and we left our tiny sandwiches on the coffee table.
We took a cab back to where she and my little sister lived and I went home where I belonged.